last night I went to friends and lovers in crown heights, bk to be a part of their open deck night.

i wasn't able to get the recording there, so i'm deciding to re-record them at home and keep them for the record! 

this particular open deck event i really wanted to play something faster and harder than my typical deep house.

a lot of this quick 20 minute is what i've been finding on cd's, some routines i've played for tiktok live and myself, and some bandcamp finds.

enjoy!

I saw an internet post asking dj's to submit their mixes for the club's consideration.

i also had another buddy submit her most recent mix to me to listen to.

why have i not recorded anything thing since august?

no need to answer! here's a new mix!

i recently purchased the xdj rr and this was my first recorded mix on it.

enjoy~

I finally was able to put words to what I've been feeling.

It's not content exhaustion, but I was making content because I thought that's what I had to do.

I have friends remind me all the time "girl, you're a creative"

and I really think I forgot that over time.

DJing has been one of the very few things that has stuck to me over time.

I have years of throw away tracks I've produced on FL Studio.

Killing Babetalk hurt a lot, but it was also an outlet for a lot of my design practice.

And moving and surviving in New York was insane, it's completely understandable that it took the creative drive out of me.

My busted ass 2010 MBP was performing like Brett Favre, waiting for someone to tell them "you gotta hang it up man"

and then marriage, covid, unemployment, overemployment lol

I keep thinking back to the source of my anxiety; not having a job or keeping a job.

Both stress me out man lmao

My Dad used to say "If you don't have a job, you better find a job. And then when you're done finding a job, you better find a job. And then find a job for that job."

My parents knew what would be ahead of me.

And then working in advertising... I'll admit, I've gotten good at my job and I wouldn't work in any other industry but girl, advertising is not for the weak.

But all of that to say, I've lost my creative spark. Like the creative spark that leads to an output that has me say "wow, this is all mine. and i can do it again."

And I'm hoping that by thinking beyond DJing and moving into Production will help me.

It's like if you give a mouse a cookie.

If I want to create a cohesive sandbox that I feel comfortable experimenting with photography, film, music production, and design, I think I need to release my own music.

Which had me thinking "do i really have an audience?" and having me reconsider the content I'm making.

I find my stuff to be boring honestly; i love seeing my own face, but my day-to-day is very mundane.

I had a goal of making weekly graditude videos.

But 75% of the time, I am home. Of the 25% that has me outside, the majority of the time I'm at a bar for an event or walking my dog.

So from my observation, weekly content is not the vibe. When I'm home, I'm relaxing or intentionally finding music for a gig. Or cleaning.

And I will not be turning out content TikTok wants me to do; memes, facts, story time, shame, shucking, jiving– absolutely not.

I am funny but it's like what they say about having your own reality shows. I don't need try and make my humor "viral".

It's also the fear I have about influencers who are getting into the brand space now. The bull run on the influencer market place will end at a certain point and all of these micro-influencers who are being used as MSG in a branding meal are going to need exit plans.

I want to focus on my DJing and grow to touring status. But Twitch and TikTok content will not be my priorities.

I have to focus on creating art I'm proud of. And then base my content off that.

No marketing. Show the journey. Flex the skill. And then I think the blessing will be rewarded.

I think so tactically and I hate saying I was never given the space to just perform.

But this is the best time to do it. I'm finally gaining more confidence in my own self and I can feel it.

We're almost there.

I don’t know what to call it.

It’s not exactly social anxiety, because I can be on when I want to.

But… I find that I can’t always tap into that energy when I want to.

My next goal that I need to work on with my DJ career is being more social.

I have to begin introducing myself to people, cold.

It’s a very hard thing for me to approach.

I think about when I used to be apart of my local music scene back in South Jersey.

The events we put on, the people we knew in the bands, the consistent names and faces being tossed around that by proxy you shared a friendship.

Fast forward a smooth 15 years later, I’ve landed from the local lake to big seas.

And now reflecting, I don’t think I’ve ever had to do that before.

I say a lot that I’m bad with names, and I really believe I am, but I never stopped and thought about how to fix that.

I also have severe anxiety from announcing “You, Me, and Everyone We Know” as “You, Me, and Everyone I Know” at a pretty big festival.

I basically swore off on calling anyone by their name unless it was tattooed under my eyelids since to save myself the embarrassment ever again.

But that’s a me issue.

Just like my DJ career, I have to improve my skills.

The skill focus this time isn’t with my mixing.

It’s with my socialization.

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so i played at bar jade on June 10th to help promote 938collective's production of romeo and juliet

and this is the re-recording of part of that set! it's about an hour long

thank you and see u soon (◡‿◡✿)

I can feel it happening.

One of the many projects I'm having some level of success with is coming to an end.

I learned a new skill, I scaled out my reach, and I've gotten the vote of confidence from a few people that "yeah homie, you might have something here."

But...

For some reason, I can not get out of my own way.

With Babetalk, we reached a peak. We had readers, listeners, was taken seriously by PR agencies, and I felt like I could not sustain the growth.

I don't think I was afraid of the growth. I was afraid because I couldn't see the future of the brand.

Babetalk was a music blog that had a podcast attached to it. Over the years, due to my own personal issues, I couldn't maintain visiability across the written content. I had a staff who lead that for me. I wasn't needed across that line of business, more intelligent people than I was were in control. Looking back, it was my job to grow the business.

I couldn't live up to that duty. So I decided to shutter the website.

Sammy will remind me time and time again that the staff had my support to contuine the website.

My anxiety was keeping me back. The responsibility felt like a burden on my mental health. A burden my staff would argue didn't even need to exist as long as I kept the lights on.

I eventually reacted on a whim and closed the website once existing obligations were complete. It was a well written chapter in all of our books, and we can walk away knowing we made a small impact on our music community.

Underneath that decision lays a broken clock that only exists for me- making a project, getting the project successfull to the best of my ability, and then killing the project before I have to consider how much more it could be.

I fear DJing is that new project for me.

Why though? I don't think I ever took a second to consider why I have so much pressure on myself to become successfull at DJing.

I think it's because I want to be precieved as an artist.

I grew up in the DIY community and was able to see my friends play whatever music they wanted to. They were in control. They presented the narrative. And I want that expression.

When I was younger, I learned quickly that my mind thinks in mash-ups. Music lives in my head 24/7, and my idle beatboxing was an outlet for what my brain was thinking- "What if this song had a different bass line?".

I also think that DJing is beautiful. It's not just keeping the party going, it's the mixing that really stuck with me. Blending songs is satisfying to me. Creating surprise and excitement from music is just the coolest thing. Some people have an eye for color, others have a knack for sports, I have an ear for music.

I am so stuck in being the concieved idea of what a DJ is. I want to break free from that box. The issue at play though, is how to break through as a Queer Brooklyn DJ and not just be yet another Queer Brooklyn DJ. I keep comparing myself to being another cover band by playing at my favorite bars. I know that isn't right and I shouldn't do that, because that's not what I want to do.

But, I feel stuck. I feel stuck creatively, I feel stuck attempting to grow, I feel stuck in being stuck. And I just can not seem to get away from the daunting humps in front of me. More mixes, more bookings, more music, more content, more visbility, more expectations.

it's all so overwheming. and i'm not even good at this shit yet.

no, like this is actually a functional site now

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