so i played at bar jade on June 10th to help promote 938collective's production of romeo and juliet

and this is the re-recording of part of that set! it's about an hour long

thank you and see u soon (◡‿◡✿)

I can feel it happening.

One of the many projects I'm having some level of success with is coming to an end.

I learned a new skill, I scaled out my reach, and I've gotten the vote of confidence from a few people that "yeah homie, you might have something here."

But...

For some reason, I can not get out of my own way.

With Babetalk, we reached a peak. We had readers, listeners, was taken seriously by PR agencies, and I felt like I could not sustain the growth.

I don't think I was afraid of the growth. I was afraid because I couldn't see the future of the brand.

Babetalk was a music blog that had a podcast attached to it. Over the years, due to my own personal issues, I couldn't maintain visiability across the written content. I had a staff who lead that for me. I wasn't needed across that line of business, more intelligent people than I was were in control. Looking back, it was my job to grow the business.

I couldn't live up to that duty. So I decided to shutter the website.

Sammy will remind me time and time again that the staff had my support to contuine the website.

My anxiety was keeping me back. The responsibility felt like a burden on my mental health. A burden my staff would argue didn't even need to exist as long as I kept the lights on.

I eventually reacted on a whim and closed the website once existing obligations were complete. It was a well written chapter in all of our books, and we can walk away knowing we made a small impact on our music community.

Underneath that decision lays a broken clock that only exists for me- making a project, getting the project successfull to the best of my ability, and then killing the project before I have to consider how much more it could be.

I fear DJing is that new project for me.

Why though? I don't think I ever took a second to consider why I have so much pressure on myself to become successfull at DJing.

I think it's because I want to be precieved as an artist.

I grew up in the DIY community and was able to see my friends play whatever music they wanted to. They were in control. They presented the narrative. And I want that expression.

When I was younger, I learned quickly that my mind thinks in mash-ups. Music lives in my head 24/7, and my idle beatboxing was an outlet for what my brain was thinking- "What if this song had a different bass line?".

I also think that DJing is beautiful. It's not just keeping the party going, it's the mixing that really stuck with me. Blending songs is satisfying to me. Creating surprise and excitement from music is just the coolest thing. Some people have an eye for color, others have a knack for sports, I have an ear for music.

I am so stuck in being the concieved idea of what a DJ is. I want to break free from that box. The issue at play though, is how to break through Queer Brooklyn as yet another DJ. I keep comparing myself to being another cover band by playing at my favorite bars. I know that isn't right and I shouldn't do that, because that's not what I want to do.

But, I feel stuck. I feel stuck creatively, I feel stuck attempting to grow, I feel stuck in being stuck. And I just can not seem to get away from the daunting humps in front of me. More mixes, more bookings, more music, more content, more visbility, more expectations.

it's all so overwheming. and i'm not even good at this shit yet.

no, like this is actually a functional site now

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